Voters elect to vote in elections
Under the thrall of the newly established “Democracy Initiative,” Notre Dame has announced that all administrative positions will be voted upon by the entire student body. Current administrators have begun campaigning for student votes ahead of upcoming elections this November.
In a statement to the Rover, Professor David Campbell, Director of the Initiative, explained, “We thought it was hypocritical for Notre Dame to promote democracy around the world without doing it here. Plus, I have a bone to pick with a few of these administrators, and you better believe I’m going to campaign against them myself.”
The announcement seemed to come as a surprise to several members of the administration, who had endorsed the Democracy Initiative … until it extended to their own positions. One such administrator told the Rover, “When we gave them half of the endowment, we figured they would host a couple lectures and maybe publish a report or something. This was a big shock. By the way, do any of you guys know how to run a campaign?”
Several administrators have already begun campaigning on campus, with a few hosting events intended to draw certain student populations. Last week, Provost John McGreevy threw an “inclusion picnic” for students on Library Lawn, complete with over 15 food trucks. When asked about his campaign policies, McGreevy responded, “Honestly, just free food and inclusion.” When asked what “inclusion” means, McGreevy stated, “Including.”
Father Gerry Olinger has followed in the footsteps of Vice President Kamala Harris and posted bright green signs around campus that say “Olinger IS Brat.” Similarly, Executive Vice President Shannon Cullinan has been seen filming TikTok dances on South Quad before posting them to his campaign’s profile, @Shannon<3Students.
Other administrators have attempted to appeal to a more traditional demographic. Several associate provosts have formed a coalition promising to ban tight-fitting pants on campus. In response, another group of university deans has formed a group called “NDLovesLeggings” on Facebook, stating that they would make leggings a mandatory requirement for all classes on campus. Concerningly, the group consists of only male administrators.
To further their goal of “restoring faith in democracy,” the Initiative also announced that students would be allowed to run for positions in the administration. In order to get their names on the ballot, students are required to fill out a questionnaire online. The survey includes questions such as “What’s your preferred Ethics Center on campus?,” “Which dining hall is superior?,” and “Are you now or have you ever been on the Irish Rover editorial board?” When asked about the questionnaire, a spokesperson for the Initiative said, “Well, we can’t have just ANYONE running for University president. This is a premier research university, after all.”
Student responses to the upcoming elections have varied. One sophomore in the College of Arts and Letters expressed excitement about her influence in the election, saying, “It’s been really great! The Dean promised everyone who votes for her an automatic A+, so I’ve been skipping classes. I didn’t know democracy could be so much fun!”
One less-than-excited group is the newly formed club RadicalND, which has been hosting protests since the announcement. A junior in the club told the Rover, “It is important to our club that we protest against the traditional political structures which keep the patriarchy in power … If only we had some way to allow all students on campus to express their opinions in a political manner.”
In the club’s online publication, one RadicalND member published a poem entitled “Down with the Democracy Initiative,” reproduced below:
Democracy bad.
Communism good.
Stop telling me what to do, you big meanies.
Several staff members at the Center for Citizenship and Constitutional Government (CCCG) raised concerns about the change. The Rover accessed an email from CCCG Director Vincent Phillip Muñoz to the Initiative’s board. In the email was a single link to an online version of The Federalist Papers. The subject line read, “You guys do know what a republic is, right?”
Haley Garecht should be a junior. She is likely majoring in something political, given the classes she’s taken. We can try to track her down if you need. Email jwhitak5@nd.edu and he’ll do his best to get you in touch.
Photo Credit: The Irish Rover
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