It was a dark and stormy night. Lightning flashed across the sky, illuminating a dimly lit room. The only source of light in the room came from the monstrously large light towers illuminating the ongoing construction project over at the football stadium.

The flash of lightning revealed a number of brooding men, heavily cloaked, sitting around a round wooden table. It was the university president’s office. Once darkness returned, one of the men spoke, setting the agenda for the Notre Dame brain trust’s meeting that night.

“We must decide who will receive the prestigious Laetare Medal this year,” the voice said. “Remember, this award is granted to an American Catholic for outstanding service to the Church and to society. What do you all think?”

An eager voice piped up, “Who did we give it to last year? Nigel something? That simply will not do. We must reach for the stars—this is Notre Dame after all.” Another more ill-disposed man seconded the eager one. “I concur,” he said. “I propose Mel Gibson.”

The leader of the group cautioned, “Careful, friends. We must be careful to select someone who truly merits the award. Gibson has said some questionable things, and I would be uncomfortable shaking his hand on the stage.”

A new man spoke up, gingerly. “Whatever we do, I judge that we must avoid another Obama episode. The protests to granting him an honorary degree were greater than we had anticipated. Our strength almost failed—we were saved only by our great commitment to civility in public discourse.”

The leader retorted angrily: “You are young, my friend. You were not here in 2009. Do you know what happened then, when one among our number dissented from my decision to honor President Obama? I would not say such things if I were you!”

The eager man pitched in again, “Now that you mention it, I think that another Obama episode is exactly what we need! It could put Notre Dame back on the map again! But who … who could fit the bill?”

The leader spoke. “It must be a Catholic, this time. A Catholic who, like Obama, dissents from core Church teaching. In this way, we can make a statement about our open-mindedness and perhaps entice a prestigious person to visit our campus. Perhaps some of our donors will be pleased to see me strike again for civility.”

A new man joined the fray, one with a deep and scary voice. “I know exactly the man, gentleman. The sitting Vice President. Joe Biden is a Catholic, and he has served in public office for many years. He also promotes abortion and gay marriage, along with a number of other policies that directly contradict Church teaching. In fact, he has supported many of these things for a longer period of time, and more fervently, than has Barack Obama.”

“Yes, yes,” muttered the leader, fervently. “But how do we frame this honor? We must be ready this time for objections from the orthodox.”

“We could just admit that we do not care about Biden’s positions on these issues,” suggested a stooped man at the edge of the table.

“Silence, sir. This is a Catholic university—that is our calling card. We must continue to play up the middle: appeasing the true Catholics as much as we are able, via small, symbolic gestures and token actions, while at the same time appeasing our secular peers and making an excellent name for ourselves in the right circles,” cautioned the leader.

The eager man offered another solution. “I know! We can also give the award to John Boehner, thus portraying it as a bipartisan political honoring. Then the people will not even notice Biden’s problematic policy positions.”

The leader rebuked him. “The people are not so ignorant, friend. No, we must frame this in a very delicate way. We shall say that we do not honor either man for what he stands for—we honor them for being willing to work together … sometimes … ineffectively. We need more of that in Washington!”

All applauded the rationale. The eager man offered, “You had better call the bishop, sir.”

“I do not have him on speed dial, unfortunately,” the leader admitted. “Can someone fetch me the bishop’s number from the phone book?”

After a few minutes of scrambling around Main Building, the number was found. The phone rang. “Hello?” came the voice from the other end.

“Yes, Bishop, this is the brain trust at Notre Dame. I just want to let you know that we are going to give the Laetare Medal, the most prestigious award given to Catholics in the United States, to Joe Biden and John Boehner this year.”

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line. Then the bishop spoke, “I do not think you should do this, gentlemen. This action will scandalize the Catholic faithful. I truly hope that you will reconsi……” The bishop heard only a dial tone on the other end of the line.

The dimly lit room buzzed with excitement as lightning once again illuminated the faces gathered around the round table. The leader boasted, “Indeed, friends, this is our second strike for civility in public discourse! We will pursue this end by any means necessary.”

The man who had cautioned against another Obama episode, who had remained silent for much of this nebulous meeting, could not help himself any longer. “But, sir, you do know what happens when you get three strikes, do you not?”

The leader smiled. “Of course I do, friend. Three strikes equal a home run!”