It’s official, folks! John Affleck-Graves, departing executive vice president of the University, finally has divulged his post-graduate plans.
“Notre Dame can take you anywhere,” Affleck-Graves said loudly to no one in particular while eating lunch in North Dining Hall. “For me, that’s gonna be the Big Top!” Affleck-Graves later clarified that by Big Top, he meant parlor magic.
“I’ve spent the past fifteen years working this stupid desk job,” Affleck-Graves continued. “By day, I [loaf] around, shoot the [conversation] with old Jenkins, and talk [trash] on freshman. But by night? I study the art and craft of David Copperfield, Penn and Teller, and my weird cousin Terry.”
Affleck-Graves has publically made clear his interest in magic acts. In April of 2014, he held his breath for over two minutes in St. Mary’s Lake; in July of 2015 he was buried and escaped from the foundation of the Duncan Student Center; and in 2018 he made the Notre Dame Football team’s wins from the 2012-13 season disappear.
“There’s nothing more satisfying than a perfectly-crafted illusion,” said Affleck-Graves while stuffing two doves up his sleeve. “And when you live in a magical place like South Bend? Inspiration is everywhere!”
Affleck-Graves has already formed an hour-long act in anticipation of his upcoming career. Through the course of the show, Affleck-Graves will drink one whole bottle of Windex (“no magic involved,” Affleck-Graves assured The Rover, “just pure determination”); invert the colors on his iPhone (“easier said than done”); cut off his own finger (“it’ll grow back, I’m almost positive”); make the wreck of the Titanic disappear (“they’ll have to take my word for it”); and, for the finale, kill a pigeon on stage. Affleck-Graves also confirmed that his act, tentatively titled Fool Yourself, will be synced to an hour-long version of the 1995 hit “Cotton-Eyed Joe.” Affleck-Graves has additionally booked the Rio Las Vegas nightly for 24 months.
“Magic brings people together,” said Affleck-Graves. “When I’m up on that stage, I’m no longer John Affleck-Graves. I’m John Affleck-Graves, but magical. Here’s the thing: I’m 67. I’ve spent the past fifteen years bumming around, administering a ten billion dollar budget, and overseeing 4,000 employees—so boring! Through my magic, I’ll be able to dedicate the rest of my life towards actually helping people, and that means something.”
At press time, Affleck-Graves was trying to make the Arts & Letters college vanish, while President John Jenkins, C.S.C., was verbally speculating about the plausibility of joining a AAA baseball team after he retires.