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Football team committing felonies “just to see if anyone cares anymore”



According to a recent report from Fighting Irish Media, Notre Dame’s tackle football squad has taken to committing felonies “just to see if anyone cares anymore,” in the words of an anonymous sophomore lineman.

“It’s been hard, you know?” the lineman told the Rover in an exclusive interview. “I mean, we’re all happy for the fencing team, and the women’s basketball team, and all that, but it just feels like our status as Notre Dame’s biggest ‘thing’ is fading.”

According to various sources, members of the team have taken to conspicuously trying to purchase drugs and paraphernalia “right in front of the NDSP,” throwing LimeBikes into Saint Mary’s Lake, and defacing Knute Rockne’s statue in front of the stadium with the words “Go Michigan!”

“We have been…disappointed in the reaction we’ve gotten so far,” admitted one freshman receiver. “Generally there would have been at least one ‘Observer’ article about our exploits by now, but no, it’s all ‘Muffett McGraw’ this, and ‘John Jenkins’ that. I know we aren’t the best football team Notre Dame has ever had, but we’re feeling more ignored than the graduate students with families in University Village.”

At press time, the team is planning to stage a protest on the steps of Main Building that already three Moreau professors are requiring their classes to attend.  

James Rahner is a junior and an aspiring chef. His specialty is pizza, but he hopes to soon expand into French cuisine. He loves movies, especially films by famed director and auteur Christopher Nolan. James fully believes that the Dark Knight is one of the most intellegent- and psychologically complex- lms ever made. He saw it in theatres when he was ten, and he couldn’t sleep for a full two weeks. Nevertheless, he went on to see it another two times. No matter how hard he tries, James cannot shake the notion that there is something deeply twisted about the character of the Joker. A man who commits such evil crimes? And not simply commits, but-nay! almost enjoys committing those crimes? Truly twisted, indeed. Of course, James believe that the character of the Joker was made all the more complex via the 2016 movie Suicice Squad. Jared Leto, he believes, adds yet another darkly twisted layer onto this already multi-facted agent of evil. James saw Suicide Squad in theatres three times. Once again, he could not sleep for two weeks after the premiere. He did not write this byline.

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