The dietician of Notre Dame President John Jenkins, C.S.C., Dr. Beorge Boffries, shocked the University Tuesday evening when he revealed that for the past 13 years Jenkins has eaten a diet of pure ham.
“I started noticing it back around the time John [Jenkins] was elected President by the Board of Trustees back in 2005,” said Boffires. “It all happened so fast. One day he’s eating vegetables, salmon, bread and pasta—like a normal person—and the next day he comes straight into my office and says ‘Hey, Beorge, they made me president. Also, it’s only gonna be ham from now on.”
Boffries has not noticed any major changes in Jenkin’s overall health since his dietary shift happened.
“I mean, it’s been 13 years,” continued Boffries. “You’d think scurvy, at least. But John hasn’t even gotten a cough.”
Boffries maintains that Jenkins’ good health despite his limited diet is not scientifically impossible—just improbable.
“Yes, I have never seen anything like this before,” said Boffries. “It’s abnormal, sure. But what’s even weirder is the sheer amount of ham [Jenkins] is able to consume in a day.”
“It makes my job easier,” said Jenkin’s personal chef Sam Jamson—now affectionately dubbed ‘The Ham Provider’ by Jenkins himself. “I just pick up 30 or so pounds per week. [Jenkins] will just fly through that.”
Jamson says Jenkins is particularly fond of a dish named “soup of ham.”
“When you boil a big shank for four or five days, it really starts to break down.” said Jamson. “I just toss some gelatin in there, maybe an egg or two, and boom! Soup of ham.”
When confronted with his dietary choices, Jenkins readily confirmed the accusations.
“What can I say?” said Jenkins. “I’m Big Hamm-o. Hamm-o’s got to eat.”
Hap Burke continues to be a junior.