Football team looking for “new, exciting crimes to get our wins revoked”
Hot on the heels of an undefeated regular season, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish Football team announced renewed efforts to have all 12 wins revoked by the NCAA’s Committee on Infractions.
“It’s been well over a year since we had any wins taken away from us,” said head coach Brian Kelly during his press conference after the win at USC this past weekend. “This is entirely unacceptable and, quite frankly, an embarrassment to our program.”
Sources inside the football team have confirmed that the Fighting Irish are currently looking to expand their ever-increasing portfolio of crimes and NCAA violations.
“We’ve tried academic violations before,” said Kelly. “We cheated on a few tests–who cares? It’s boring stuff, and I firmly believe that my boys can do better. I mean, after all, we’re undefeated in football. Why can’t we be undefeated in crime?”
Kelly’s office later clarified that Kelly is fully aware that crime cannot be traditionally “won” as a football game is won.
The football program has hinted at hiring professional help more than once over the past season. Student manager Claire Jovrik was able to comment.
“We’ve talked about finding a criminal consultant to spice things up around here,” Jovrik said. “Considered outsourcing to the Chicago Mob, but we couldn’t find anything posted on LinkedIn. Now we’ve decided to keep our search local, and will be interviewing Zahm residents in the coming week.”
Kelly remains optimistic about his team.
“The boys are resilient,” Kelly said. “I believe in them. They’ve worked their socks off over these past two weeks committing tax fraud, arson, identity theft, mail fraud–you name it, we’ve tried it. Tillery dumped toxic sludge into the lake, and Book even killed a guy in the season’s first snowball fight. Heck, some of the boys even committed high treason.”
Sure enough, the football team declared independence from the United States on Wednesday and illegally seized weapons from the ROTC program. The United States has yet to comment on the team’s latest actions.
Kelly is open to any suggestions that would help his team’s efforts.
“No Notre Dame fan wants to see their team finish with any wins,” said Kelly. “The boys messed up big time going 12-0, so this is the only shot we’ve got. I don’t know how we’re going to do it, but I believe in the team.”
“One thing’s certain: I want all of those damn wins gone before March.”